Knockers, Ta-tas, Juggies, Boobs, Sweater Puppets, Fun Bags

Oh good, now that I’ve got your full attention, in honor of October being Breast Cancer Awareness Month I thought it would be a good opportunity to tackle a sensitive issue once and for all- the over-hyped use of breasts in videogames. Now before you all start moaning and groaning don’t worry I’m not going to get all preachy or after school special on you.

Be they human, elf, or demon, boobs and video games pretty much go together like peanut butter and jelly.

It is believed that depicting the female form with big, bouncing breasts really got its true start in Anime. Anime has had a strong obsession with breast movement for some time and it stemmed quickly into gaming.

1.) First off do female video game characters, as sexy as they are really turn men on in some kind of deeply disturbing way?

2.) Can Lara Croft really swing on vines and do acrobatics with those D Cups?

3.) Don’t you find it a bit odd that your warrior princess character is trekking through relentless snow and icy weather with only two-bit clothing on?

4.) Did Victoria’s Secret come out with a new line of Push up Plate Armor with matching panties, garter belt and shiny stockings recently or something?

5.) Why do they are they so bouncy anyway? They wiggle; they jiggle and are so Jell-O like at times they often bounce by themselves. It’s mesmerizing to look at, but real breasts just don’t jiggle like that!

6.) What better way to fight an enemy than to expose your dirty pillows to harm them! Works for me every time.

It’s understandable in a way; it’s a male dominated industry. The majority of gamers out there are men, as well as the people who design, program, and distribute them.

This leads me to a little known tale, so gather around boys and girls. In the beginning, God created the... oops sorry, wrong intro.

Once upon a time (now that’s better!) a Japanese based company named Tecmo was in a very tight financial spot; they were going through some pretty hard times and were on the verge of going bankrupt. A little-known developer working for them, named Tomonobu Itagaki, stepped up to develop their last game in an attempt to salvage the struggling company. Since it was a last ditch effort to save the company, the game was named “Dead or Alive.”

The male gamers loved it, and the game was a hit in both the arcades as well as on the consoles Sega Saturn and Sony PlayStation. Thanks to Itagaki and his Dead or Alive girls, Tecmo was saved!

And they all lived happily ever after as they say! The End.

Insert lame pun about mountains and molehills here

For the record I’m not a hater, I’m just trying to keep it real. I've never been one to complain about our culture's obsession with perfect beauty, or to worry that video games will normalize plastic surgery in an already image obsessed society. You won't hear me ranting against well endowed female characters any time soon- I promise.

In fact, I think “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander”. I think the next “Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball” game should feature all the male DOA characters in Speedos sporting major size packages with ball physics (and I’m not talking about the volleyballs.)

I personally find the exaggerated size of video game vixen’s assets laughable.

Eidos’s, Lara Croft Tom Raider recently underwent a breast reduction for her new game "Tomb Raider: Legend". But it seems Lara is an exception. The girls over at DOA still continue to wiggle and jiggle in outfits no real woman could possibly be able to realistically wear (while throwing a roundhouse or doing a barrel roll that is!)

Thanks for the Mammaries

You know as I gathered my thoughts and ideas for this article I realized something; there are actually two sides of this story! Yeah sure, the girl characters are all stereotypes of perfection. But you know what? The male characters aren’t really any different. The guys are all perfect too with their chiseled abs, perfectly toned, broad shouldered muscular bodies. Each and every one of the male options, just like the female options, is some kind of version of this ideal human being.

Games are based on make believe I realize that. It's an escape.

It's not that our real lives are all that bad, but video games give us a chance to step into a world of fantasy, a world where not only are we members of this "ideal" world, but also where everyone else is too. Let’s face it no one fantasizes about being an unattractive and plain person.

So in conclusion, ladies (and technically, gentlemen), do yourselves a favor, whether you have big ones, small ones, soft, hard, perky, flat, or pointy ones in honor of October being Breast Cancer Awareness Month “check yo self before you wreck yo self!”